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Women’s English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead]

Men’s English:
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now!
Love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let’s talk = I’ll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex without me

random things that are useless
*Ducks quacks don’t echo. No one knows why.
*Hitler’s mother thought about having an abortion, but was talked out of it by her doctor.
*We shed 40 pounds of skin in a lifetime.
*Like fingerprints, everyones tongueprint is different.
*Right handed people live on average 9 years longer than left handed people
*A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day
*In Singapore, it is illegal to sell or own chewing gum
*”Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
*A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
*Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it.
*Donald Duck was banned in Finland for a while because he doesn’t wear pants.
*The longest word in the English language is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
*111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 
*The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan.”
*The manufacturing documentation for a Jumbo Jet weighs more than a Jumbo Jet.
*If electrodes are inserted at opposite ends of a pickle, and electricity is passed through, the pickle will glow.
*The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
*Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots.
*40% of cases a pizza will arrive sooner than an ambulance.
*Most toliets flush in E-flat.
*It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.
*The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
*In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of 5 times around the equator.
*A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
*The longest one-syllable word is “screeched.”
*Frowning burns more calories than smiling.
*1/4 of the bones in your body are in your feet.
*The average woman consumes 6 pounds of lipstick in her lifetime.
*The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps.
*If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
*A ball of glass will bounce higher that a ball of rubber.
*Children grow faster in the spring.
*On average, a human being will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime.
*Mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
*A sneeze travels out of your mouth at over100 miles per hour.
*Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food.
*A “dude” is an infected hair on an elephants butt.
*The average person has a total of 6 pounds of skin.
*Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
*On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
*On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
*Red is the most commonly colored vehical involved in accidents each year.
*The swastika was origionaly a symbol of peace and honor and is still used by Buddhists today.
*Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
*Shakespeare invented the words “assassination” and “bump.”
*In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
*American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
*The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
*Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes

So… the elephant says to the camel “why do you have 2 boobs on your back?” the camel replies “that’s a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on his face”